I've spent the last four years of my life in a wonderful little house with a boyfriend I've loved and two beautiful pups who make my heart sing every time I see them. Three days ago that life of mine was changed. It ended. I am 26 years old (and seven days), and I have moved back into my mother's house.
My life had become toxic. My relationship with the man I loved had turned into a resentful, bitter, unhealthy one on both our parts. But I still loved him. I think back to a weekend sailing trip with my family in September 2009... we camped out on James Island. Stephen and I hiked out to a beach my family call's 'Pirate Beach.' The sun was warm, and the water was sparkling. It was a beautiful day. A peaceful day. I had a sudden urge to strip my clothes off and jump into the cold ocean. I knew this sort of thing would make Stephen laugh because it's exactly the kind of thing he would do... it's just funnier seeing me do it. We jumped in the water, then let the sun dry us off, hoping no one would wander down the trail to find us in our underwear. This is what I want to remember right now. The times like that.
The time we rode our bikes along the Columbia River Gorge... from The Dalles to Portland, then across to Washington and back along the river to The Dalles... about 190 miles... How hard it was for me at times, but Stephen just kept letting me know how proud he was of me for not giving up.
Right now I am heartbroken, sad, and terrified. I've woken up next to him every day for the past four years (except for the 4 1/2 months I spent in Missoula at photography school in 2007). I've woken up to little wet noses belonging to my beautiful pups kissing me until I get up to let them outside to see if the neighbors left any treats for them. I have no idea what the future holds... and I am absolutely terrified about it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
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