growing.

It has been a very long time since I have taken a photograph that is personal enough to place here.  Very soon, I will have so much to share.  I have been scared of so many things that are so trivial, and have allowed those things to get in the way of who I am as an artist.  I recently lost 20 lbs, and I'm still shedding the weight.  I feel more beautiful every day.  Soon, I will share all the beauty I feel with you.  I promise.

-marika

time.

At the end of January in 2010, all I wished for was to skip ahead one year.  I was in a lot of pain from a breakup, and I wanted to be in a place where I knew it had all worked out. 

I am beyond that place now.  I am in the most amazing relationship of my life with the most amazing man.  He knows me better than I know myself at times.  That is priceless.  I am also in the best place professionally.  I have a lot of work to do, but at this point, it is coming along wonderfully.   I have a new studio, and a new outlook.  I am going to have a wonderful year.  :)

I have used this blog  mostly for self portraits, but today I am just writing.  I will be posting self portraits very soon.  I purchased a new film camera that is going to completely transform my life.  I promise I will share the most amazing stories soon. 

-Marika

worth it all.

I revisited one of my favorite places in the world with my favorite person in the world last weekend.  Every day of my life, he reminds me of who I am.  That is worth everything.  

 

 

~ m

 

  

The newness of new.

I bought a new lens. It is plastic, and it is perfectly imperfect. Sort of exactly like me and my life. I've been really stressed lately about so many things. The number one thing on my mind is the fact that I want a place of my own. My own home for me and my dogs. My own kitchen to cook beautiful dinners in for my boyfriend. My own backyard for my pups to run around in. My own garage or shop to set my studio up in. My own floor to just lie on when I don't feel like doing a damn thing at all.

Other than that, life is pretty darn wonderful.




this is me and diana.

this is what I see through diana.

pondering wondering wandering.

I had a memory last week about a different life.
I remembered for a moment, a happy time.
I almost cried.
I do not miss that life, but it was sad for a moment, to think that there was once happiness... and that it did not work out.
I have spent more time feeling angry about that life lately, than any other feeling about it, so to feel for just a tiny moment a little sadness, I find myself thinking about so many things...

Most of all, I think about how lucky I am. In so many ways. I have an amazingly supportive and loving family. I have wonderful friends who care deeply for me. I have these two dogs from a past life who are my heart. I feel tears forming just thinking about how much I love them. No one will ever understand what I put up with for so long because I was afraid of what would happen if I left and my dogs couldn't come with me. But everything turned out fine.

I have been angry lately. I think it is because I am stressed... I have so much going on right now, which is a great thing, but sometimes it is too much... and when it is too much, I find myself getting mad about things. Things that really do not matter. I am still mad at some people about things that will never change... they will never change. And that's okay. I accept that. I still have a hard time letting go of certain things. It is not easy to delete four years. I am not sure it is even possible. What I do know is that all that matters is what I am doing now, and what I am going to do from this point on.
I think about this stupid anger I am feeling, and I figure that all the moments I waste on that anger could be focused more on the happiness I feel about my life as it is right now. I have this man in my life who is so different from any man I have ever loved. He knows me in so many different ways because he has been my friend for so long. He knows me now in ways I never even shared with any other man I loved before. He reminds me every day why I love my life. For years, I was excited every time we talked. And now, I feel as if I could lift off into outer space and discover an entirely new galaxy.
When I was a young girl, I would close my eyes and imagine what it would feel like to be loved. It has taken me years to realize what it means... To really be seen by someone.. seen for who and what you are... and then they keep looking at you... because they like what they see.
I am feeling rather blabby right now. It is late, and I have been editing photos for hours. My mind is full of so much lately that I needed to put it all somewhere.
My wonderful boyfriend is out in the wilderness with his brother, and I miss him. I suppose I am finding comfort in writing about him. :) I am a lucky girl. That, I know for sure.

-m

What I saved from the fire...

From my new series, "the trees."


'what i saved from the fire'

ladies, do not date your friend's ex boyfriend.

"Yes, you did tell me many reasons why you thought I shouldn't date him, but I took it as you sharing your opinions, as you are certainly entitled to your feelings about what went on between the two of you. I didn't know you meant that you would be upset and end our friendship if I didn't do as you said."



Four years do not breed "opinions" or "feelings" about what went on... it was fucking fact.

How can it be so hard for you to understand?

I have this fascination with movement...

...and it is bringing out parts of me I never knew existed.

and he helps a little too...

I am the wind in my sails...

soy capitan.



-marika

New Roads...

new wheels to carry me...




-marika

every day, we are new...

hatching.

at last.

The lighting is right...



-marika

the beauty in things...

sometimes the most beautiful things are the simplest of things...

like where he left his shoes...






-marika

p.s. you just might be my duprass...

where days become dreams....

I am swimming in that place where days become dreams...
where anything and everything is possible...
like flying.

only, I'm soaring.






-marika