I had a memory last week about a different life.
I remembered for a moment, a happy time.
I almost cried.
I do not miss that life, but it was sad for a moment, to think that there was once happiness... and that it did not work out.
I have spent more time feeling angry about that life lately, than any other feeling about it, so to feel for just a tiny moment a little sadness, I find myself thinking about so many things...
Most of all, I think about how lucky I am. In so many ways. I have an amazingly supportive and loving family. I have wonderful friends who care deeply for me. I have these two dogs from a past life who are my heart. I feel tears forming just thinking about how much I love them. No one will ever understand what I put up with for so long because I was afraid of what would happen if I left and my dogs couldn't come with me. But everything turned out fine.
I have been angry lately. I think it is because I am stressed... I have so much going on right now, which is a great thing, but sometimes it is too much... and when it is too much, I find myself getting mad about things. Things that really do not matter. I am still mad at some people about things that will never change... they will never change. And that's okay. I accept that. I still have a hard time letting go of certain things. It is not easy to delete four years. I am not sure it is even possible. What I do know is that all that matters is what I am doing now, and what I am going to do from this point on.
I think about this stupid anger I am feeling, and I figure that all the moments I waste on that anger could be focused more on the happiness I feel about my life as it is right now. I have this man in my life who is so different from any man I have ever loved. He knows me in so many different ways because he has been my friend for so long. He knows me now in ways I never even shared with any other man I loved before. He reminds me every day why I love my life. For years, I was excited every time we talked. And now, I feel as if I could lift off into outer space and discover an entirely new galaxy.
When I was a young girl, I would close my eyes and imagine what it would feel like to be loved. It has taken me years to realize what it means... To really be seen by someone.. seen for who and what you are... and then they keep looking at you... because they like what they see.
I am feeling rather blabby right now. It is late, and I have been editing photos for hours. My mind is full of so much lately that I needed to put it all somewhere.
My wonderful boyfriend is out in the wilderness with his brother, and I miss him. I suppose I am finding comfort in writing about him. :) I am a lucky girl. That, I know for sure.
-m
I remembered for a moment, a happy time.
I almost cried.
I do not miss that life, but it was sad for a moment, to think that there was once happiness... and that it did not work out.
I have spent more time feeling angry about that life lately, than any other feeling about it, so to feel for just a tiny moment a little sadness, I find myself thinking about so many things...
Most of all, I think about how lucky I am. In so many ways. I have an amazingly supportive and loving family. I have wonderful friends who care deeply for me. I have these two dogs from a past life who are my heart. I feel tears forming just thinking about how much I love them. No one will ever understand what I put up with for so long because I was afraid of what would happen if I left and my dogs couldn't come with me. But everything turned out fine.
I have been angry lately. I think it is because I am stressed... I have so much going on right now, which is a great thing, but sometimes it is too much... and when it is too much, I find myself getting mad about things. Things that really do not matter. I am still mad at some people about things that will never change... they will never change. And that's okay. I accept that. I still have a hard time letting go of certain things. It is not easy to delete four years. I am not sure it is even possible. What I do know is that all that matters is what I am doing now, and what I am going to do from this point on.
I think about this stupid anger I am feeling, and I figure that all the moments I waste on that anger could be focused more on the happiness I feel about my life as it is right now. I have this man in my life who is so different from any man I have ever loved. He knows me in so many different ways because he has been my friend for so long. He knows me now in ways I never even shared with any other man I loved before. He reminds me every day why I love my life. For years, I was excited every time we talked. And now, I feel as if I could lift off into outer space and discover an entirely new galaxy.
When I was a young girl, I would close my eyes and imagine what it would feel like to be loved. It has taken me years to realize what it means... To really be seen by someone.. seen for who and what you are... and then they keep looking at you... because they like what they see.
I am feeling rather blabby right now. It is late, and I have been editing photos for hours. My mind is full of so much lately that I needed to put it all somewhere.
My wonderful boyfriend is out in the wilderness with his brother, and I miss him. I suppose I am finding comfort in writing about him. :) I am a lucky girl. That, I know for sure.
-m
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