The newness of new.

I bought a new lens. It is plastic, and it is perfectly imperfect. Sort of exactly like me and my life. I've been really stressed lately about so many things. The number one thing on my mind is the fact that I want a place of my own. My own home for me and my dogs. My own kitchen to cook beautiful dinners in for my boyfriend. My own backyard for my pups to run around in. My own garage or shop to set my studio up in. My own floor to just lie on when I don't feel like doing a damn thing at all.

Other than that, life is pretty darn wonderful.




this is me and diana.

this is what I see through diana.

pondering wondering wandering.

I had a memory last week about a different life.
I remembered for a moment, a happy time.
I almost cried.
I do not miss that life, but it was sad for a moment, to think that there was once happiness... and that it did not work out.
I have spent more time feeling angry about that life lately, than any other feeling about it, so to feel for just a tiny moment a little sadness, I find myself thinking about so many things...

Most of all, I think about how lucky I am. In so many ways. I have an amazingly supportive and loving family. I have wonderful friends who care deeply for me. I have these two dogs from a past life who are my heart. I feel tears forming just thinking about how much I love them. No one will ever understand what I put up with for so long because I was afraid of what would happen if I left and my dogs couldn't come with me. But everything turned out fine.

I have been angry lately. I think it is because I am stressed... I have so much going on right now, which is a great thing, but sometimes it is too much... and when it is too much, I find myself getting mad about things. Things that really do not matter. I am still mad at some people about things that will never change... they will never change. And that's okay. I accept that. I still have a hard time letting go of certain things. It is not easy to delete four years. I am not sure it is even possible. What I do know is that all that matters is what I am doing now, and what I am going to do from this point on.
I think about this stupid anger I am feeling, and I figure that all the moments I waste on that anger could be focused more on the happiness I feel about my life as it is right now. I have this man in my life who is so different from any man I have ever loved. He knows me in so many different ways because he has been my friend for so long. He knows me now in ways I never even shared with any other man I loved before. He reminds me every day why I love my life. For years, I was excited every time we talked. And now, I feel as if I could lift off into outer space and discover an entirely new galaxy.
When I was a young girl, I would close my eyes and imagine what it would feel like to be loved. It has taken me years to realize what it means... To really be seen by someone.. seen for who and what you are... and then they keep looking at you... because they like what they see.
I am feeling rather blabby right now. It is late, and I have been editing photos for hours. My mind is full of so much lately that I needed to put it all somewhere.
My wonderful boyfriend is out in the wilderness with his brother, and I miss him. I suppose I am finding comfort in writing about him. :) I am a lucky girl. That, I know for sure.

-m

What I saved from the fire...

From my new series, "the trees."


'what i saved from the fire'

ladies, do not date your friend's ex boyfriend.

"Yes, you did tell me many reasons why you thought I shouldn't date him, but I took it as you sharing your opinions, as you are certainly entitled to your feelings about what went on between the two of you. I didn't know you meant that you would be upset and end our friendship if I didn't do as you said."



Four years do not breed "opinions" or "feelings" about what went on... it was fucking fact.

How can it be so hard for you to understand?

I have this fascination with movement...

...and it is bringing out parts of me I never knew existed.

and he helps a little too...

I am the wind in my sails...

soy capitan.



-marika

New Roads...

new wheels to carry me...




-marika

every day, we are new...

hatching.

at last.

The lighting is right...



-marika

the beauty in things...

sometimes the most beautiful things are the simplest of things...

like where he left his shoes...






-marika

p.s. you just might be my duprass...

where days become dreams....

I am swimming in that place where days become dreams...
where anything and everything is possible...
like flying.

only, I'm soaring.






-marika

among lions....

I am queen.





-marika

exhale.

by the sea i see...

... and hear
...and feel


...and exhale




-marika

Forshadowing...

I found this self portrait a few days ago. I took it about a year ago. It was interesting timing, finding it when I was in such a sad place within myself. Looking at this image, I see a girl stuck in an empty home looking out into the world that has been waiting for her to join it. That is exactly where I was in my life, but I would not let myself see it then.





Today I found the strength within myself (thanks to my wonderful mother who is an amazing hypnotherapist) to let it all go... to just let all the anger and hurt and negativity stay back in the past where it belongs. I take with me all the lessons I have learned, but the pain and sadness stay behind. That big beautiful world is still waiting for me, and I intend to enter it with a happy heart and open mind.

-marika

Me.

-marika

finding my way...

...through the trees and into the light.

never stop growing sweet girl.


-marika

to find oneself...

You must choose to really see yourself...
I refuse to be blinded by insecurities or fears any longer.
This is who I am, and I am damn proud to be me.

-marika

fly.

fly, she will.

some words.

I've spent the last four years of my life in a wonderful little house with a boyfriend I've loved and two beautiful pups who make my heart sing every time I see them. Three days ago that life of mine was changed. It ended. I am 26 years old (and seven days), and I have moved back into my mother's house.
My life had become toxic. My relationship with the man I loved had turned into a resentful, bitter, unhealthy one on both our parts. But I still loved him. I think back to a weekend sailing trip with my family in September 2009... we camped out on James Island. Stephen and I hiked out to a beach my family call's 'Pirate Beach.' The sun was warm, and the water was sparkling. It was a beautiful day. A peaceful day. I had a sudden urge to strip my clothes off and jump into the cold ocean. I knew this sort of thing would make Stephen laugh because it's exactly the kind of thing he would do... it's just funnier seeing me do it. We jumped in the water, then let the sun dry us off, hoping no one would wander down the trail to find us in our underwear. This is what I want to remember right now. The times like that.
The time we rode our bikes along the Columbia River Gorge... from The Dalles to Portland, then across to Washington and back along the river to The Dalles... about 190 miles... How hard it was for me at times, but Stephen just kept letting me know how proud he was of me for not giving up.

Right now I am heartbroken, sad, and terrified. I've woken up next to him every day for the past four years (except for the 4 1/2 months I spent in Missoula at photography school in 2007). I've woken up to little wet noses belonging to my beautiful pups kissing me until I get up to let them outside to see if the neighbors left any treats for them. I have no idea what the future holds... and I am absolutely terrified about it.

speak to me...

this little bird lost her wings
ever so quietly
she is remembering





yours,
marika